It All Goes Back To Mother

This endeavor, which I’m sure you have no idea exactly what it is yet, began as a conversation with my brother. He asked me, casually, one Saturday afternoon, a very strange question.

”Would you like to hear my theory?”

I was making a card (one of my crafting hobbies) and wasn’t really interested in a theoretical discussion, but I appeased him with a monotone, “Sure.”

What happened next stopped me dead in my tracks, which is hard to do once I get on a roll cutting paper, stamping art, screenprinting, embossing, glittering, applying rhinestones- well, you get the picture.

“Well,” my brother began, “I think that alphas aren’t exclusive to animals. I think that humans can be alphas to. Take our family for instance: Six kids, same parents, all with very, very strong personalities or alpha personalities. That’s why we tend to take over whatever we do both together and separately.”

My brother was very right. I, being the youngest of 6 children, grew up in an “adapt or die” sort of environment. If you couldn’t take the heat, don’t just get out of the kitchen, but get out of the house entirely before you’re eaten alive. It’s not our fault, though. Our mother, much more than our father, is the true Alpha #1 among us and passed many of her traits down. Seeing as that her title could never be overthrown by her offspring, there is a constant battle among us to be Alpha #2; but more of that later. My brother continued his explanation.

” Think about it. Let’s start with the cruise in April. We took over “Win, Lose or Draw”, the piano bar guy hated us because we actually knew a lot of music and the random people, including old hoochies, the lesbians and boat whores who wanted to be our best friends. That was just in 5 days! That’s not even to mention the times you and I have been out together and accosted by random people wanting to get to know us. It’s all because we’re alphas and when people with no alpha- traits in them whatsoever see that, they want to follow us. We’re their leaders, in a way, because we command it with our very presence.”

I didn’t know what to make of it. I’d heard of personality theories before. The famed Briggs-Myers Personality Test came to mind as well as some random internet sites about human alphas being, at very best, workaholic assholes. But this was different. My brother’s alpha theory didn’t paint alphas as overbearing, narcissistic workaholics as most other human alpha theories did. My brother’s theory painted alphas as people of varying overall personalities whom shared a common gift of being “the leader of the party” wherever they went. Once again, I didn’t know what to make of it.

That night, I couldn’t get the theory out of my mind. Did this truly explain why I’ve had some of the most bizarre experiences in my short 27 years? Is this why so many of my friends come to me for relationship advice although I haven’t been in a real relationship for over 5 years? Is this why I instantly know within the first 5 minutes of meeting someone whether I want to hug them or hit them? There were too many possible questions this theory may be able to answer.

So, Reader, now that you know how this came about, I invite you to enter into my world as I confess my alpha experiences and share the lessons I’ve learned from them. Some of you reading this have been there to experience them firsthand. Some of you have been around my siblings and myself when we vie for the spotlight. Some of you have met my mother and experienced her silently innocent, but deadly, gaze. For everyone else, in the words of one of the great Alphas of Old Hollywood (and she will be quoted many times in the future), “Fasten your seatbelts! It’s going to be a bumpy night!”

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